STEVE VS. MAN VS. FOOD
On thirteen separate occasions in the last month, friends and acquaintances have reached out and touched me with a tickled little gem of a realization. These people think that I look “OMG EXACTLY” like the host of The Travel Channel’s Man vs. Food: Adam Richman.
First, fuck them and all that. That’s him, this is me:
That’s right, busy at work in my office, like an American.
I don’t know why this upsets me. Have I missed something? Is my painstakingly wrought self image all wrong? Are all of my friends a-holes who watch Man vs. Food all Saturday, then in a moment of adrenaline driven thrill, take the time to txt me “BRO YOU’RE ON THE TRAVEL CHANNEL RIGHT NOW,” so I have to take my gloves off, crawl out from under my truck or step away from the bench press only to see this Man vs. Food guy losing some sad challenge on cable?
Which brings me to my second point. Anyone who knew me in my glory days (c.1997-2000), would know that I would never lose any of the challenges that thrash this brother. A quad stack, triple bacon cheeseburger, everybody’s fries - no problem - I used to called that Tuesday at Wendy’s, and I’d be starving by the end of 5th period bio.
I give him credit for eating spicy stuff, but to this day I’d happily roll out on that one, too. This guy went to Yale for Drama and appeared on Law and Order. He lives in “Brooklyn.” I’m from a little town they like to call Milwaukee. Here, we eat to survive.
I wish Adam Richman all the best. He should go back to acting - and leave the longstanding tradition of public gorging to those of us who once suffered alone with our whole Jennie-O turkey loaves (1lb, 10oz. of turkey, 6pz. of Gravy) and Gilbert Burgers.
